


Where to Fit

by Hubris_BNL



Series: Tumblr One-Shots and Prompts [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self harm kinda, abuse tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 21:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8072593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hubris_BNL/pseuds/Hubris_BNL
Summary: Prompt: "Shhh, c'mere" + Burrcules





	

There were bad days. There were always bad days. Days when Aaron looked down at himself, saw the scars left from years passed riddling his skin, and hated himself. Days when his mind would flash back to when he was a child, feel the stick against his side, hear the screaming of his Uncle in his ears.

And he would hate himself.

On these days, he wouldn’t come to bed. He would stay at the office until all hours of the night and, when he finally decided to come home, wouldn’t even bother with sleep. He would simply sit in the kitchen and continue to work, or stare at the wall for hours, letting himself relive the terrible memories of his past.

He never knew what would trigger it, and even if he did, would there be any way to stop it?

The first time it had happened, Hercules had come home, only to find the door to the bathroom locked and the sound of hushed sobs coming from inside. He’d called out, asking if everything was okay, asking what had happened.

A few minutes later, Aaron emerged, a large, thin, fake smile plastered on his face and his eyes red.

“Nothing, everything’s fine.”

“Aaron, are you sure-”

“I think my allergies started acting up early. Don’t worry, Herc, c’mon.”

After that, Aaron had gotten better at hiding it. He’d listen for the soft padding of feet which he knew to be Hercules’, he’d stay at the office, avoid going home until he’d pulled himself together. He couldn’t bare to be seen as weak in front of him, or even worse, be told what he felt didn’t matter.

So he kept quiet about it, stayed away from bed so that Hercules wouldn’t feel his shoulders shake with silent sobs, kept a smile on his face to avoid the questions. But the hatred festered, the feeling of worthlessness, the jealousy at the sight of Hamilton laughing with his friends, or being praised by Washington.

Why couldn’t he be loved like that?

He knew why.

“Why can’t you be better!?” he shrieked at himself, “Why can’t you be happy!? There wouldn’t be a problem if I were just _better!”_

His fist connected with the bathroom mirror in rage, but he didn’t feel it. He just stood there, weeping over the sink, chalking it up as just another thing he messed up. Just another reason he was a failure.

Then he breathed deeply, wrapping his bleeding hand in a white cotton bandage, and, when Hercules gasped at the sight of it and the shattered mirror, he waved it off.

“I slipped after coming out of the shower. It’s fine, we can look for a new one this weekend.”

But Hercules wasn’t stupid, he could tell something wasn’t right. From how empty Aaron’s eyes were when he thought he wasn’t looking, to the late nights he was woken up by the sound of Aaron coming home at 2:00 in the morning, not even coming to bed, just shuffling around in the living room until the next morning.

He didn’t want to make it worse, though, or hurt Aaron anymore than he obviously already was. But he had to do something, he had to get Aaron to talk to him, tell him what was wrong, so he could help.

Finally, after a particularly bad week of Aaron stumbling into the apartment at 4:00 in the morning, black rings under his red eyes, and an ever darkening mood, Hercules decided he needed to put an end to this.

It was a Monday night when Aaron shoved open the apartment door, to find all the lights on, and Hercules sitting on the couch, watching him with a concerned gaze. Aaron blinked, surprised, before throwing on a wide smile and shutting the door softly.

“Sorry I’m so late. Washington had some last minute papers he wanted me to-”

“This is the fifth time this week, Aaron.”

Almost immediately, Burr’s face became guarded and his smile dropped into a thin line.

“Well, I’m sorry I was doing my _job_ , Hercules. I’m sorry I was working so we can have money so that we can live comfortably.”

“That’s not what I-”

“I can’t please everyone, you know!” he said accusingly, “I’m not Hamilton, I can’t have a perfect life, and have everyone love me! Just another thing I can’t do!”

His breathing hitched and a tear slipped from his eye and fell down his cheek. He wiped at it angrily, turning a glare on Hercules.

“I’m not in the mood for this.”

“Aaron, what’s going on?” he asked, approaching him slowly, his voice gentle. Aaron hated that.

“Nothing! Everything’s fine.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Hercules said, his voice suddenly becoming hard. Aaron stared at him and his lip quivered.

“Leave me alone.”

“Why? Give me one good reason to leave, and I will.”

_“Because!”_

“That’s not an answer!”

“Hercules-”

“What’s going on, Aaron!?”

“Stop it-”

“Tell me!”

“BECAUSE I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME BECAUSE I’M NOTHING! I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND THAT’S WHY HE BEAT ME, WHY HE HATED ME! IT WAS MY FAULT!”

The apartment was silent, Hercules staring at Aaron with wide eyes as tears flowed freely down the smaller man’s face.

“Everyone hates me, and I don’t blame them.”

It was Hercules’ turn to blink in surprise. Aaron hiccuped, soft crying turning into choked sobs as he hid his face in his hands. Hercules sighed, taking a step forward, arms out to pull Burr into a tight embrace.

“Shhh, c’mere.” he said, a gentle command as his arms wrapped around his boyfriend. “Now what’s this all about?”

And Aaron told him about his childhood, living with his abusive uncle who beat him; “like a sack,” he said, and where the scars which covered his skin were from. As he went on, Hercules found himself tightening his hold on him, anger burning in his chest as Aaron told his story through his tears.

“I’ve wracked my brain to try and see why he did it.” Aaron said finally, “There was only one thing I could think of. Me. Somehow…it was my fault.”

“No.” Hercules pulled back, fixing him with a stern look, “Some people are horrible, Aaron, and there’s no reason for it. It wasn’t about you, it never was, and it still isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Aaron looked away, seemingly unconvinced. But he knew, deep down, Hercules was right. It was only that…well, years of self loathing don’t just go away in a second. But Herc smiled, bending down and tipping Aaron’s chin up to look at him.

“And I know you don’t believe me now, and that’s okay. But handling this on your own obviously isn’t working, so let me help you. Talk to me. I want to be there for you.”

Aaron nodded, still feeling the hatred in the pit of his stomach, his brain telling him how worthless he was. But he also felt Hercules arms around him, heard him whispering soft words of reassurance, and for once in the darkness of his depression…

He didn’t feel alone.


End file.
